Intentional Parenting 1: Shifting Paradigm

Powerful, positive parenting is such a gift! But what do we do with gifts? We need to receive and unwrap. For us to receive the power of positive parenting we must open ourselves to a new way of seeing.

Perhaps you are familiar with one of those ‘magic eye’ pictures from the ‘90s. People everywhere squinting at their tv screens, billboards, and art canvases trying to ‘see’ the picture. Ironically, the best technique was to just relax. Relax your eyes, step back and see what emerges. You need to changed your way of seeing, your ‘paradigm’.

This is our most powerful tool as parents; this is where the power starts! To step back, to stop ‘trying harder’, and to appreciate the bigger picture. To change our ‘parenting paradigm’.

Come with me on a journey into seeing our children, our families, ourselves in the bigger picture. Come with me as we walk alongside Wendy Snyder, Dr Rudolph Dreikurs, Viktor Frankl, Jesus Christ, and many others to appreciate a new way of seeing our parenting journey. 

What do you see..?

Let’s begin by stepping into what we see in our own homes. Do you see chaos, struggle, failure, futility? So did I! But in fact, what I see now are the four key factors Dr Dreikurs defines as underlying needs our children are looking to get met:

• Belonging
• Unconditional love
• Power
• Value

Seeing these four ‘aches’ or ‘desires’ illuminates so much of what we see on a daily basis. My girls aren’t being ‘naughty’; they are expressing desires to have their needs met.

...And now in the mirror?

Add to that, how I am learning each day that my children actually mirror me. Their aches are my aches. Their desires, my desires. Their stubbornness, my stubbornness! Oh the burn! I see myself reflected back in their behaviour. I am part of the dance.

This new way of seeing alone changes everything. As humans created in the image of the loving almighty God, we have immense value! We are made to love, to belong, to take dominion. Yet the freewill actions of Adam and Eve changed our trajectory. Value has become debated. Love has given way to fear. Conditions are placed on relationship. And power is corrupt.

The Greatest Shift

My greatest paradigm shift: Jesus has changed it all. Because he died and rose again, the corruption of humanity is reversed. In this light, I can see my daughters as Jesus sees them: gifts to be cherished, not charges to be chided; powerful people to be taught, not rule breakers to be punished; valuable lives to be unconditionally loved, not sinners to be corrected.

This is the true power of love. Not to control, or contrive. Not to press, or punish. Not to reject, or restrict. No—true power is found in giving grace, providing space, teaching well, leading sensitively. True power is found in embracing who they are, and how they show up—holding space, and deepening the relationship. 

So join me on this journey as I unpack what this means, share how it’s unfolding, and envision what the beautiful future ahead of us holds!