Intentional Parenting 2: Mindful Communication

How often do we say one thing but actually mean another? Hands up! Can’t just be me, surely? I’d suggest this is one thing as parents we do quite regularly.

Following my paradigm shift into intentional powerful positive parenting, my eyes have been opened to quite how many times I find myself saying one thing, and meaning something else.

It creeps up on me. Stealthily. Catching me unawares. In my pyjamas. In my kitchen. Out in the car! How do I know? Because it’s the way I say it, not what I say.

Hidden language of rupture

Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been speaking the language of ‘tone’. I’ve been conveying my motivation, my intention, my real meaning through how I spoke, not the words I said.

It’s moments like this that cause relationship rupture. It’s times like this when our kids sense the tension. It’s exactly these situations that do NOT provide what they are seeking. They do not feel a sense of belonging, unconditional love, or value. They feel like their power is being threatened, and will often respond in kind — back to the mirror, anyone?

It’s also the words we use. Accusatory “you did…,” or “you made me…”, alongside “but” and “because” which are infecting our words with weakness. We say things like “I love you, but…,” adding conditionality to our communication. Or we say “I cannot… because you…,” degrading trust. 

Once we see it, it is hard to un-see. The tones we use, the words we choose, all have an impact. How do they make our children feel? What is the atmosphere they create? What is the world we are manifesting?

Cleaning up our communication 

So how do we intentionally clean up our communication? Whilst paradigm shifts might be sudden or distinct, changing what we say and how we say it, often is not!

Small tweaks, new phrases, a pause before speaking are my proven pathway. Whilst it’s not always successful and I often need to repair, I am choosing to intentionally create a healthier atmosphere, and build up instead of tear down.

Small and powerful tweaks include:

• Pausing before reacting to step back, give my nervous system a reset, and choose a meaningful intention. (We’ll talk more about this throughout our journey together.)
• Intentionally deciding to swap words like “but” for “and”, and “you” for “I”. A pause always helps here—to remember who I am, who my children are (or spouse is!), and what I actually want to convey. 
• Saying what I mean, as well as meaning what I say. I hear my tone, and if I cannot deny it, I at least want to fairly represent it. Using the pause and “I statements” together, I want to remove the passive aggression, and make it productive.

Productive communication 

It’s this last point I want to leave us with. Every word we speak builds or tears down the world we live in. Whether we use the words “manifestation” or “faith”, the result is very similar. The words we speak portray what we believe, and those around us—perhaps even elements of creation itself—respond to that.

Therefore:

• If you are frustrated, say so. “I am frustrated and I will never give up on you…”
• If you are scared, admit it. “I feel scared and I need a moment to steady myself…” 
• If you are sad, share it. “I am feeling sad right now, that’s okay—please give me space to process it…”  

A final thought on feelings

Modern culture has taught us to repress and ignore our feelings. “Just get on with it” or “think first the feelings will follow”. On this journey, I am learning to bring my feelings with me. 

It is actually okay to feel sad. And, what is more, it is actually healthy to share this with our children. What?! Shock and horror! No, it is actually okay. In fact, I recommend it.

Sharing how we feel does build connection. Especially when done with love, grace, and without a contrary tone! There have been so many times when I forget to pause, I react with “you!”, and my tone shares the unacknowledged truth. In these moments I have ruptured the relationship, and rebuild is required (we’ll talk more about this along our journey)—yet when I do pause, I do speak from my heart, and I share how I actually feel, the relationship strengthens, and our world increases. It’s wonderful!

Continue with me as we think more about where these feelings lead us, and how we can productively use them as data to respond healthily (and helpfully!) to our children’s many and varied behaviours.