Intentional Parenting 3: The Root of Misbehaviour

Being honest in our communication is one of the biggest things we can do to build up, rather than tear down relationships. This is true as we speak, and also as others share with us. How can we use the feelings around us to identify unspoken needs, and bring our presence into those situations?

Let’s consider how we can encourage our children to feel, and how understanding what we feel can help us respond to their potentially mystifying behaviours!

Engaging feelings

Perhaps you grew up with well-meaning, yet ill-informed parents who encouraged you to squash your feelings, push down your desires, and conform to their expectations. I certainly remember being told that “feelings are not the engine pulling the wagons”—instead your feelings are the wagons: “Pull them along with rational thought. And by the way, that involves doing what I say”.

Latest understanding and child psychology teaches us that encouraging our children to express their feelings is actually very healthy. As we learn more about how our soul’s logic (‘psyche’ = ‘soul’ in ancient Greek) works, we know that feelings are more akin to leaves on a stream, which we can watch float past us, not massive demands that change how we act. They are data. And they are precious. They do not need to control us, or our children.

Encouraging feelings

The words we use can encourage or discourage our children to feel. Therefore, what words do we choose? What words do I try to use?

• It starts with listening. Not preaching. Not calming. Just listening presence.
• It means asking questions. Not always immediately. Not grilling. Not demanding. Open. Calm. Present.
• It requires empathy. It asks us to find common ground. It asks us to think back to when we’ve had similar experiences. It asks us to walk in their shoes, see from their perspective, employ their logic.

Try it next time your child is distressed, mad, or pushing all-of-your-buttons. Pause and regulate. Listen. Ask questions. Perceive from their point of view. Try to take a break from interrupting, assuming, or disregarding. See what happens.

Interpreting feelings

We’ve got those feelings out there. Our feelings. Their feelings. What next? Understanding how we feel is our first step to handling the situation in a healthy, powerful, intentional manner.

So, when your child does something you’d normally consider “misbehaviour”, how do you feel? Take a pause, put your hand on your heart, and feel the feelings:

• Do you feel irritated and annoyed? Perhaps they are seeking your attention and want to belong.
• Do you feel provoked? Possibly they are feeling powerless, and want autonomy.
• Do you feel hurt and angry? Likely they are feeling hurt, and desire to restore justice.
• Do you feel pity? This feeling often arises in us when our children don’t feel able, or are struggling with self-belief.

Once we identify how we feel, we can respond accordingly.

• When feeling irritated and annoyed, can we take a moment to build connection?
  
  We’ll discuss more of these on our journey together. Start with a Genuine Encounter Moment, a ‘GEM’. To create this precious jewel, stop what you are doing, get on their level, look in their eyes, engage, and listen. Be with them. Hold space for whatever it is they have on their hearts. From an imaginative moment to a spider on the ceiling. It only needs a few seconds.
  
• When feeling provoked, can we find a way to break the struggle?
  
  If they feel powerless, how can we give them power? If they feel they have no choice, can we provide choice? If they feel the need to win, is there a way for both parties to win? Within the Fresh Start community, and her latest book, Wendy offers numerous tools, tips, and techniques to break the power struggle when it starts, and to prevent it before it gets close. Two of these tips include: offering choices (peas first, or carrots?); or giving them suitable jobs to do (like putting them in charge of ensuring everyone has a spoon at the dinner table.)
  
• When feeling hurt and angry, can we find a way to rebuild the relationship, restore trust, or heal the wound?
  
  This is our opportunity to connect, apologise, and make up as appropriate. Sometimes can be done as we co-regulate with them in the moment, or it needs us to step aside, and make up later once calm. Either way swallowing our pride, digging into our empathy, and making the first move makes all the difference.
  
• When feeling pity and a desire to fix, can we find ways for them to feel capable, enjoy success, and celebrate a win?
  
  Rather than reaching down to do up their shoe laces, can we offer encouraging presence to cheer them on? Instead of doing all the room tidying, can we give them an achievable portion of it, and celebrate their effort when they try?

As you can see, unlocking the interpretation of how to respond is game changing. It enables us to intentionally choose how we respond, not merely in the moment, when the chaos ensues, and also afterwards.

How can we teach our little ones to understand a healthier way to communicate what they desire? How can we give them a flavour of what we are learning? What is the missing piece to close the loop on an intentionally parented home?

Join the rest of my journey as we consider compassionate discipline with Wendy and the Fresh Start community. Discipline does not have to mean suffering. Love does not have to include punishment.