Intentional Parenting 4: Compassionate Consequences

One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding positive, powerful, or intentional parenting—however you term it—is thinking it lacks discipline. That somehow kids are left to do whatever they want, and not face any consequences. 

That is NOT positive parenting. Wendy Snyder clearly defines what we practice as “democratic firm and kind” parenting, where parents maintain strong boundaries while also prioritising empathy, connection, and respect.

In fact, I am steadily learning that compassionate discipline is an integral part of powerful, positive, intentional parenting. Boundaries matter, and so does kindness. Correction matters, and so does connection. 

Without kindly holding firm boundaries the other pieces are weakened. Without teaching healthier behaviours we keep circling the same mountains. We will continue encountering the same issues, and it’s little wonder those who ignore this key component find reduced success—and usually revert back to old ways. 

Compassionate consequences

Discipline doesn’t actually require suffering to be successful. Neither does it require humiliation. I’m tempted to write more on this topic in future posts, considering various Bible passages that have led generations to believe otherwise. For now we are focused on this: compassionately employing consequences:

• Natural consequences—such as happen automatically without parental involvement. The tablet is thrown and breaks: it can no longer be watched. The book is ripped in the argument: those pages can no longer be read. They get up too late for breakfast: they’ll be hungry at school until break.
  
• Logical consequences—such as we can design: sensitively and intentionally, yet never punitively. 

Logical consequences are where I want to focus right now. How do we ensure that we are being fair? That we’re not slipping back into beliefs that require pain and suffering to incite change?

Artful consequences

Wendy and the Fresh Start Team have a handy 4-R framework for ensuring logical consequences meet the need and don’t overstep:

1. Related — is the consequence related in some way to the behaviour, not just random?
2. Respectful — does the consequence maintain dignity and respect the child?
3. Reasonable — is it reasonable, i.e. not too big, or even too small?
4. Teach responsibility — does the consequence teach responsibility, encouraging the child to think for themselves, and stimulate intrinsic motivation?

Evaluating each activity we consider against these four R’s will help us avoid the traps. 

Recently, I considered how I might help my daughter reconsider her recurrent proclivity to steal food from locations we’d agreed as out of bounds. We ended up colouring ‘I am’ affirmations which we could stick on the cupboard and doors in the contested areas to remind her she is not without self-control, she can wait, and she is part of a family who learns and solves problems together. 

• Was this related? Yes, it helped us both focus on waiting and partnering.
• Was it respectful and did it maintain her dignity? Yes, in fact it played into her creative strengths, and we did it together. 
• Was it reasonable? Yes, a couple of hours one afternoon.
• Did it teach her responsibility? Yes, it reminded her in different ways who she is, and the nature of the family she is a treasured member of.

So next time you and your kids are wrestling with the same issue, can you use a compassionate consequence? You’ve paused, listened, stepped aside. You’ve employed meaningful intent and responded according to how you feel… BUT IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. Ah. Perhaps it is time to design a reasonable consequence that is related to the issue, that respects their dignity, and teaches them a healthier way to take responsibility. I’m cheering you on—you have everything you need!

Join me next time as we explore what we can do when we don’t feel like we do have everything we need to parent intentionally, when we worry if it is actually working, or if we’re just sipping the snake oil, or worse, we’re actually not good enough to put it into practice…