Intentional Parenting 7: Reacting and Responding

Welcome to the ‘snap zone’! You’ve been here before, I am sure. You know the theory. You know your children are only trying to communicate some deep need. You know you’re meant to respond with connection over correction. But. Well. Instead, you just SNAP. 

Welcome to the world of your nervous system. That beautifully created piece of human biology which has mystified scientists for centuries. Welcome to the school of learning which every day sheds new light on how we operate the way we do.

Welcome to the most powerful piece of parental transformation. Here in these sacred halls we learn what it means to be human, how our intentions form, and how we can truly change, not just aspire to adaptation.

For many of us, ingrained programming deep within our being means that no matter how much we agree with what we learn, no matter how much we shift the way we think, our actions remain stuck. We’ve done the lessons. We’ve read the books. Hey! We’ve even had coaching sessions. But we remain paralysed in the old ways. And that leads us to guilt, shame, and giving up hope.

We’ll pick up those topics in future posts—but for now I want to concentrate on what can get us unstuck. On what can move us out of the suffocating ‘snap zone’ and into the expansive plains of mindful response. 

So how do we get unstuck? It comes in four movements: we notice, we understand, we act anyway, and we repeat until it becomes who we are. Let's start with noticing.

Noticing: Press the pause button

Every one of us has a ‘pause button’. Yes, yes you do. What? You don’t know where it is? That is okay, we can find it right now. In fact, I posit you’re intimately familiar with it. No, it’s not there! Not your nose, silly! It’s your heart.

Take your hand—right or left, doesn’t matter—and place it on your heart, over your breastbone. Do you feel it? Feel your beating heart doing what it does best: pumping life-giving blood around your body. And as you do so, slow right down. Slow. Right. Down… Breathe in: one, two, three. And breathe out: one, two, three. And again. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three…

In that moment we are literally stopping to take notice. It’s not starting something special—the blood is always pumping—it’s taking time to appreciate its presence. And in so doing we create connection. We connect with ourselves. We step momentarily outside of our circumstances. We create a gap between whatever is stimulating us…and uncover space for us to respond.

Try it. Next time you are tempted to snap. Next time you feel the stakes rising. When you start to react. STOP. Stand back. Put your hand on your heart. Connect to yourself. Remember who you truly are. Who your children truly are. And find space to respond.

It’s in this liminal space we find the wisdom to act. It’s here we can decide how we feel. We can assess the situation. And we can contemplate what’s actually been communicated.

So we notice. But why do we react?

Understanding: Our body of somatic knowledge

Honestly, it’s like our bodies are intelligently designed or something. They are AMAZING. Scientists and researchers continue to uncover ways in which our body and mind work together to influence and impact each other. 

Deep in our brain has been placed the amygdala, designed to act as an alarm system—its only job is to keep us safe. It doesn't stop to reason things through; it just reacts. Meanwhile, our prefrontal cortex is the wiser, calmer part of our brain that can pause, think, and choose. The trouble is, when that alarm goes off, it can hijack the wiser part entirely. We stop thinking and start reacting.

In this reaction, we tend to find ourselves in one of five postures:

• Fight — we push back, get loud, get defensive.
• Flight — we want to run, escape, avoid.
• Freeze — we go blank, stuck, unable to move or speak.
• Fawn — we conform, appease, smooth things over to stay safe.
• Flop — we shut down completely, collapse, give up.

Now, hear me: none of these are weaknesses. Most of the time they’re not even choices. They are old, wired-in survival responses. They are doing exactly what they were designed to do: protect us. Our problem isn’t that we have them. Our problem is when they hold us hostage. Our problem is when we feel trapped and unable to escape these cages.

And that's exactly where the pause button comes in. In pausing we recognise the posture pouncing upon us. And, remarkably, we can take steps to avoid it!

Acting Anyway: Stepping out onto the waves

One of my biggest learnings on this journey has been how changing our minds is simply not enough. We can think differently all we like, but when we stay stuck in the same behaviour ruts, the situation around us does not change.

As we learned last time, what I have learned is that I am empowered. I do have agency. I need not remain a victim of circumstances. Therefore, Jesus is calling me to do something. He calls me out of the boat to walk on the waves. Out of the theory into the turbulence. Out of aspiration into action.

And it is through that action he has designed my nervous system to respond and rewire. As I do new things, as I take small steps, as I inch forward, I make a realisation: I am not sinking.

Of course, on that first occasion in Matthew 14:22-33, Peter decided he would look at the waves. He decided he would try to work it out himself. And he looked away from Jesus. What happened? He started to sink! Isn’t that so familiar? Don’t we see that in ourselves? Around us? In our culture.

Yes, we do. Yet there is a different way. We can open our minds to explore new possibilities. We can choose an unfamiliar path. We can start something fresh.

It doesn’t have to be big. It need not be glorious. It can be mundane and simple. Starting is what counts. 

In my case it was as simple as putting my hand on my heart. Stopping to connect. Creating space to respond. Remembering who I am. Remembering who my children / colleagues / governmental representatives are (!) and finding a meaningful intention. It’s here that power struggles are halted. It’s in this space that I connect with inadequacy. It’s whilst connecting to myself that I am invited to connect with others—meaningfully and unconditionally.

And from that space new actions happen.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat: The new rhythm of life

Every time we attempt something new, we receive new data. Did it work? Yes or no. Failure is an opportunity to learn. And learning in small titrated steps is the best way to make fast progress. Not waiting for the big moments. Instead taking every opportunity to pause, reconnect, and respond. Pause, reconnect, and respond. Pause. Reconnect. Respond. Each time our nervous system learns a new way. Each time it feels safer. Each time it is open to responding without fight, without freeze, without flight, without fawn or flop. 

How does that sound? Exciting for sure. Yet many of us feel like we’re not even close to this. We’re reactionary, for sure. We’re also feeling majorly guilty. We’re ashamed of our actions. And it’s causing us to question our very existence. We’ll discuss that next.